Yo mama so fat when she twerks it’s on the Richter scale

2 Unicorns talking on the Ark during the Great Flood “ Wel I suppose it’s up to you and me to repopulate the world when it stops raining. We should get to know each other. My name is Robert, what’s yours?”

So then I made them PISSED ON. Ever since, they never tried to piss me OFF again!

Well, it's not my cup of tea.

Baaaaaaarrrbies!

A dead beat. What do you call music made by a musician that's ill? A sick beat.

It was using e*VASE*ive maneuvers!

A drunk gets home at four in the morning, looks at the clock, and says: “Shiiit… my wife’s gonna kill me.” Before heading to the bedroom, he sets the clock back to midnight. Drunk, but clever. He walks into the bedroom, and his partner, who’s been waiting for him, says: “And you?” “And me what?” “You’re drunk.” “Yeah, so?” “And what time do you think it is, huh?” “Early! It’s midnight, look.” He shows her the clock. She checks the time and says: “Oh... you’re right.” She goes back to bed. And he, feeling proud and cozy, thinks to himself: “Pulled it off. I’m safe.” A little while later he wakes up and says: “Babe...” “What do you want?” “Can you bring me a glass of water?” “Okay…” she says, quietly resigned. She gets up and heads to the kitchen. But when she sees the clock there, she realizes it’s actually four in the morning. She storms back into the bedroom and says: “Hey!” “What?” “It’s four in the freakin’ morning!” And the drunk goes: “What?! You’ve got no shame? Four damn hours just to get a glass of water?! Shit!”

But I will recover

Squirrels.

Doctors think it was a grand mall seizure.